What I learned about Healing from Lewis, Lamott, Eustace, & Aslan

(Katie) "To Love is to be Vulnerable." I love this quote from C.S. Lewis. Love is a choice.To love is to risk the real possibility of a broken heart. But Lewis challenges us to consider which is the lesser of two evils: a broken heart OR an impenetrable and irredeemable heart?


While spending this past weekend in Minnesota, I spent hours reflecting on my high school experience, as I tried to help my mom prepare to speak on a panel about parenting to this stage of life. I am not sure she gained any wisdom from our conversation, but I became very aware that there was some significant healing that God wanted to do in my heart as I went back and remembered "Katie in high school".


In Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott tells a story that describes how I felt in high school. Lamott had her tonsils removed and the week following the surgery, she could barely open her mouth for a straw. In utter desperation, she called a nurse, hoping to get her painkillers refilled. Instead, the nurse told her she needed to chew gum vigorously, explaining:

" when you have a wound in your body, nearby muscles cramp around it to protect it from any more violation and from infection. The muscles must be used if they are to relax again."

Despite great hostility and skepticism, Lamott agrees to chew gum. The first bites caused a ripping sensation in the back of her throat, but within minutes, all of the pain was gone, permanently. 

As I sat with my mom, reflecting on high school, I felt a similar cramping sensation (in my psychic muscles) from the pain I experienced: moments of abandonment, insecurity, and rejection. It felt as though the muscles around these areas of wounding swelled up as I spoke. While these cramped muscles protected my wounds so I wouldn't be hurt again in the same place, they have actually prevented my wounds from healing. Instead, they have   limited me, kept me guarded, fearful, anxious, and in some ways, caused me to back away from being open to life. In high school, I chose to stultify and shut down certain parts of my heart. However, avoiding our pain, anger, woundedness, and grief doesn't get us anywhere. If we want the wound to heal, we must act counter-intuitively, use our cramped muscles and so we have direct access to the wounds they protect.


So, what does healing look like, once we approach the wounds?

My image of healing is embodied in the character of Eustace as he attempts to de-dragon himself from C.S Lewis' book The Voyage of Dawn Treader. He begins to tear away at his dragon skin and just when he thinks he has succeeded, he discovers that there is another layer of skin under the first. Again, he vigorously scratches, peeling away this second layer of skin, only to find a third.  The third attempt has the same result. How often do we try to heal our wounds in our own strength, only to discover that our wounds are comprised of layer upon layer upon layers? Or, we think we have healed from painful experiences high school, only to discover that our wounds of abandonment, rejection, and insecurity go much deeper than we ever recognized.


Eustace is in utter despair when Aslan approaches him and says, "You will have let me undress you."

The very first tear Aslan makes is so deep that Eustace thinks it has gone right into his heart.  And when Aslan begins pulling the skin off, it hurts worse than anything Eustace ever felt. Furthermore, the skin that Aslan took off was much thicker and knobbier than anything Eustace could remove by himself. But, when Aslan is finished, Eustace is transformed from a dragon into a boy again.


You will have to let me heal (undress) you. I believe that this is God's response to all of our wounds. We cannot do it on our own because even with our best efforts, we cannot reach the deepest layers. 


To love is to be vulnerable. 
To be vulnerable is to open ourselves up to healing. 
To heal is to surrender and let God undress our layers of wounding.

Surprise Santa Barbara Weekend the Vid's B-day

(Katie) Here is a photo summary of my trip to Santa Barbara to surprise my youngest sister, Megan (Vid), for her 21st birthday. It was wonderful to leave Chicago for my off-weekend and jet to 75 degrees and sunny. Yes Please! Most of all, I loved getting to spend quality time with the original 5 (and Taylor) resting, laughing, and playing in my favorite vaycay destination (I was spoiled to live here for 4 years in college!) Megan Ann, I love you! Thanks for an incredible weekend celebrating YOU!

Santa Barbara...mountains and ocean..the best of both worlds..a slice of Heaven

Butterfly Beach...my favorite place to run

Walking Butterfly Beach with Ali

 Soaking in the Rays

Where We spent Saturday Afternoon

The Girls...Zaytoon to Celebrate The Birthday Girl

Zaytoon's Atmosphere....beautiful...coming to San Antonio soon

Chicken Chili...my favorite lunch at Cafe Shell

Our favorite tables (in the sun) on State Street

Post-lunch stroll down State & Shopping

Dinner at Opal with Taylor & the Birthday Girl

Would you rather live in extreme poverty or extreme wealth?

"Would you rather live in extreme poverty or extreme wealth?"

This was the question that was posed to our Life Group this past week. Needless to say it provoked great conversations and emotions during our gathering and it continued when Katie and I returned home. Our discussion further confirmed that Katie and I are extremely passionate, stubborn, and far too well versed in the art of rhetoric and argumentation. It has been very helpful for us to practice two things in these situations.

The first is that it helps for us to acknowledge that when we each take the stand, we are not actually putting the other person on trial or attacking their person-hood, we are merely playing Socrates who was compared to that of a midwife and a gnat-fly. It was said that through his persistent questioning, he gave birth to the truth. Once we are able to acknowledge this, it seems our defensive measures can be called off and we can actually see our common ground and the beautiful truth that has been discovered.

Secondly, it helps to end our "conversations" well. This includes letting the conversation be put to rest so that we can reaffirm each other and come back down from our stands to a place where we are playfully peaceful in the presence of one another.

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As far as the conversation goes, there is something I am chewing on and suppose that I will for some time to come. In all of my estimations of what it is to be Christ-like or a man after God's own heart, I am realizing one simple and profound truth; The Father gave to the point that it hurts. What I reason is that we are invited to do the same. After all, what is it to give from your surplus?

In the discussion of poverty and wealth, we realized that either person; the poor or the wealthy, is able to give from their surplus or from themselves. When giving from a surplus there is no need for strength outside of ourselves because we are "self sufficient" and "self replenish-able". On the contrary, when we give of ourselves, something that hurts to give, it is costly and requires within us a belief that God will be my supply and that the cause of my giving is worth even that of myself.

...The parable of the widow and the 2 copper coins, Jesus' encounter with the rich young ruler, Abraham and Isaac, Jesus' sacrifice on the cross...

All of these stories speak to the nature of true giving and true love. So, whether rich or poor or anywhere in between, we are called to give of ourselves, even to the point it hurts. The pain is not the point nor the aim of our love. We are not called to be masochists. Yet when it hurts, it is then that we remember that God is our provision and that our recipients are worth our giving.

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The questions I am having to ask myself,

• How much of my giving is out of my surplus and how much of it is of myself? Does it hurt?
• How much do I trust God's provision for my life? How much do I trust the work of my own hands?
• Are there areas where I am wrongfully giving too much of myself? Might God be wanting to give to me where I am too busy doing in order to receive? Lest I forget that I am the one in constant and desperate need. (The world can live without James. James cannot live without God.)
  

For fun...

Thank you Don for this warmth of laughter on a cold day.

Wake Up!

(Katie) Its been one of those weeks where I am keenly aware of my limits, particularly in the places of energy, wisdom, and understanding. In the midst of responding to student crisis' in the middle of the night, entering into suffering, writing papers for Graduate School, preparing to hire a new team of students for next year, and speaking to incredible women about topics that I am passionate about.. I've come face to face with my own limits. The place where my strength quickly ends and God begins is quite clear. While I've experienced this truth over and over in my life, the beautiful thing is that I am finally at a place in my life where I don't beat myself up for not being stronger and I don't have the energy to "grin and bear it" or fake like I have it all together (HUGE breakthrough for me). Instead, I am learning to radically receive from God, fully acknowledging my need for Him.

A beautiful illustration of my growth is that I received a phone call in the middle of the night that demanded my response immediately across campus. All I knew is that it was urgent. I woke my sleeping husband up and asked him to start praying, threw on sweatpants, my jacket, and boots and started running across campus. As I ran into the dark night, all I could do was utter was the name of Jesus over and over and over. This was breakthrough in that my analytical mind would typically kick into high gear, thus depending on myself. Each time I said Jesus, the fear and anxiety decreased. By the time I reached the building, I still had no idea what I was about to walk into, but I felt a peace that surpasses all understanding that was not my own.

C.S Lewis says, "We may ignore, but we can nowhere evade, the presence of God. The world is crowded with Him. He walks everywhere incognito. And the incognito is not always hard to penetrate. The real labor is to attend. In fact, to come awake. Still more, to remain awake."

Crisis is a gift in that it shatters our comfort zone, inviting us to attend to something greater- the presence of God. We quickly wake up when our circumstances exceed our own strength or understanding. Over the past 3 days, I have never been more aware of God's presence throughout each moment of my day. God is always present, we can "nowhere evade His presence."  But, the last 3 days, I've been desperately looking for Him, praying that I have eyes to see Him at work in circumstances that I do not always understand.

He is near. In my husband's intercession in the middle of the night. In a faithful coach. In the sunshine. In a nurse's vulnerability. In providing supernatural clarity to write papers in record times. In Scripture that is written on my heart so I could declare it at such a time as this when I didn't have time to find a Bible. In Trisha's prayers. In the encouragement and support of amazing community. In my husband's joy. In providing words to speak to a group of women minutes before the event started.

God is SO faithful.

The world is crowded with Jesus. He is all around you. Where have you met Jesus today?

Remember

(Katie)
As most of you know, I LOVE a good book. Devotions for a Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas is a book that has provided me with immense wisdom the first 6 months of marriage. The book is like vitamins for your marriage. Here is an excerpt from something I read earlier this week from A Soul Filled with God:


"Personal worship is an absolute necessity for a strong marriage. It comes down to this: If I stop receiving from God, I start demanding from others. Instead of appreciating and loving and serving others, I become disappointed in them. Instead of cherishing my wife, I become aware of her shortcomings. I take out my frustrations with a less-than-perfect life and somehow blame her for my lack of fulfillment. But when my heart gets filled by God’s love and acceptance, I’m set free to love instead of worrying about being loved. I’m motivated to serve instead of becoming obsessed about whether I’m being served. I’m moved to cherish instead of feeling unappreciated (p.9)."


Although Thomas' words are spoken in the context of marriage, personal worship is an absolute necessity for strong relationships.When we don't receive love and acceptance from God first, we start demanding it from our friendships, families, and spouses to degrees that they were never created to fulfill. Instead of cherishing our relationships, we are constantly disappointed.


Last night, James and I were blessed to spend the evening with Neelie and Stephen Guelly (worship/college pastors for our church). They are an incredible couple full of wisdom and joy. What I loved most about the evening is that it centered around each of us telling stories, remembering when we first fell in love with Jesus and then our spouses.


Although I grew up in an incredible Christian family, I didn't actually encounter Jesus' unconditional love until my confirmation mission trip to Colorado in 9th grade. We arrived in Denver and my youth pastor gave me bagels and coffee and instructed me to spend the next 3 hours feeding the poor. To be honest, growing up in Edina, I was a bit terrified and quite concerned about my safety. But, when I got on the bus 3 hours later, I was a different person. I know that sounds dramatic, but I encountered the love of Jesus in each person that I fed. I specifically remember meeting Laura, a 16 year old (my age) who was pregnant, addicted to drugs, made money as a prostitute, and had run away from home. When I fist approached her, she took my bag of bagels and threw them saying she didn't need my help. As a sensitive person, I was shocked that her obvious rejection of me didn't turn me away. Clearly God was at work. Instead, I stated asking her questions and she told her life story. I remember thinking that I normally would probably judge her but instead I became overwhelmed with love..I couldn't stop crying... and I held her in my arms for 45 minutes. A boldness came upon me that I had never experienced before and I started sharing with her how much God loved her. As I walked away, it finally hit me that how I responded to Laura is exactly how God responded to me in all of my sin. He pursues me and has an unconditional posture of openness towards me even at my lowest moments. A light bulb went on and my life completely changed. I didn't just intellectually know Jesus, I encountered His love for me through loving Laura. I decided to quit basketball, a sport I had invested my entire life in up until that point, because I really wanted to get involved in church and pursue a relationship with Jesus. The trajectory of my life forever changed as I entered high school.


In Revelation, God tells the Church of Ephesus that although He knows of their good deeds, hard work and perseverance, "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first." He then implores the church of Ephesus to "Remember therefore." It was edifying for me to remember last night when I radically encountered Jesus' love for the first time and how this love encounter radically changed my life. Obviously, I am still a new creation in process daily, however, in retelling the story, something is ignited in my heart that increases my desire to spend time with Jesus. I think that Revelation reveals that God designed remembering to trigger us to return to our first love, Jesus. 


When we receive love from our first love Jesus, before our spouses, friends, or family members, we can actually appreciate our relationships as God intended us to rather than becoming disappointed. 


So friends, take time this week to REMEMBER.

Our Winter Adventure

Chicago Snow Storm 2011 from James Racine on Vimeo.