Come Out of Hiding

I recently read this caricature of a people-pleaser: "She assumes whatever strong personalities she meets up with. She is a chameleon. She changes color, accent, shape, as the world about her changes. She has no ideas or opinions of her own; she simply conforms. She wants only to be safe, to fit in, to be accepted, to be liked."

As I read this caricature, I recognized myself in it. Particularly the need to feel safe. I believe the desire to feel safe is God-given. God desires that we find our security in Him. He promises to be our Refuge. For most of us, we do seek our security in Christ until it is threatened. The moment we feel insecure, we choose to self-protect. Self- protection manifests itself in a variety of ways such as sarcasm, an obsession with maintaining a glittering external image at all costs, or, even the subtle ways, we avoid direct communication in relationships and instead hedge, waffle, procrastinate, or remain silent out of fear of rejection. Does this sound familiar?

In my life, the more I receive God's unconditional love for me, the more able I am to trust Jesus, allowing Him to remove the shroud of perfectionist performance that I often hide behind when I feel insecure.

It is important for each of us to know how we manifest our insecurity and how we feel when we are safe, secure in Christ's love for us. We want to move toward security in Christ, choosing to live out of this Reality daily.

For me, when I am secure in Christ, I believe in my heart that God likes and accepts me completely as I am. When I feel safe, I don't have to hide or distract myself with books, music, ice cream or working out. I am comfortable with His light shinning into my darkest places. I can live in the present moment, not escaping into the past or projecting into the future. When I am secure in Christ, I am at peace, not nervous or jittery. I do not need to impress or dazzle others to feel accepted. I do not seek attention from others in order to boost my self-esteem. I am calm, unafraid, not anxious about what happens next or how others perceive me.

My own journey has taught me that only when I am secure with God do I feel safe in my own skin. God created us to desire a security that only He can fill.

Adventures with an Air Mattress

(Katie)

Its been a while........since our last post we:

• Spent a week in Minnesota
• Celebrated our 1 year anniversary with 300 family members & friends eating gelato and dancing
• Saw U2 in concert
• James bare foot water skied for the first time
• Thanks to our family and friends' generosity we Pottery-Barreled our apartment and got entirely outfitted at REI for an upcoming Fall adventure!
• I started my 2nd year as a Graduate Resident Assistant (GRA) at Wheaton College

As I transitioned from Summer mode back into my job, I felt surprisingly comfortable. I've graduated from being the person perpetually lost on campus trying to find different buildings to successfully navigating my way around campus. I no longer have to look up each Residence Life acronym (SRC, BGC) but they are now part of my daily language. Our home is established. Its my refuge. I also no longer feel tossed to and fro by the rhythm of Residence Life, but have grown in my ability to be adaptable and available. It feels good to feel competent and comfortable. Perhaps too good, which is perhaps why God needed to remind me that I'm still desperately dependent on Him. This is where the air mattress pictured above enters the story.

The day I successfully cleaned, organized and Pottery-Barreled our entire apartment, I learned that we had to move out the next day for an entire two weeks. Summer projects in our Residence Hall resulted in the loss of air conditioning, hot water, and electricity for two-weeks. In one phone conversation, I went from feeling settled-in to nomadic. I had one day to pack the essentials for our move. As a high J on Myers-Briggs, I don't do unplanned change very well, so all I could pray was "God, HELP!"

As I packed, I found myself looking at some pictures of James in Africa, sitting with some orphans in the dirt, each person full of joy. In contrast, I was sitting on the comfortable carpet of my apartment, anxious and overwhelmed. Compared to the reality of the beautiful faces in that photo, James and I would have AC the next two-weeks to survive the 90 degree heat wave. We would have the comforts of electricity and hot water. These three realities are more than what 90% of the world lives with.

How do we cultivate thanksgiving in the midst of circumstances that disrupt our sense of comfort? How do we open our eyes to see the reality of the big picture, when we are stuck in the details?

My husband models that thanksgiving is a choice. We can choose joy and a ready sense of humor as we enter into the adventure of eating with plastic silverware and sleeping on an air mattress..even when the pump dies half-way through trying to inflate it =-) We can choose to receive this invitation to learn that God is ultimately our Comfort and our Shelter. Whatever unforeseen circumstances you find yourself in this upcoming week, I pray that you would enter into them with thanksgiving and joy! Perhaps, you will discover, as I did this morning, that God provides all that we need AND contentment and peace is available through Christ in all of our circumstances...we must choose to receive it!

I love the way you love her...

One of the greatest Joys for me as a husband is to see other people love my wife well.

This past year, in midst of some very large transitions, God has provided some incredible friends and community for Katie and I. Specifically, I have been so honored and refreshed to see women invest in and become interested in the life and well being of Katie. Katie has at times shared with me that she can feel unknown and misunderstood. No matter how hard I try to understand, know and pursue my wife, I have limits as a man, as a husband, and as a person. Praise the Lord that God has not called me to be everything for my wife; although I have to admit there are times when I try.

I can't tell you the joy that it brings me to watch other women draw Katie out, affirm her innate beauty, admire her giftings, trust her heart, and share in her joy, pain, sorrow and laughter. I love to watch Katie in conversation with people when they finish each other's sentences, exclaim in the truths that are being unearthed, and when they even cry with each other. How cool!

I will also say, because I know the same is true for me with my friends. When a person feels known, in general, when a person feels supported, and when someone's life speaks to another, "You are not crazy. You are not alone. I enjoy you." There is a great deal of peace that permeates through all of that person's relationships. I know that Katie often times doesn't understand me. Let's admit it, I can be a complicated being. But the beauty is, she doesn't have to! And when I take that pressure off of her, there is a lot more opportunity to get to know me because we are both at peace in the process.

So thank you to all of you who have taken the time to get to know my wife. She, I know, appreciates it, and so do I!

Which direction does your life point?

Recently, my husband received a compliment that stuck with me. My friend said, “James’ life points UP.” Four simple words revealed the primary purpose of my husband’s life: God glorified. This compliment caused me to ask the question which direction does my life point?

This week, a friend received the opportunity of a lifetime- go to Hillsong, Australia for 11 days to attend a worship conference. All expenses paid. This is a worship leader’s dream come true. For most of us, this would be an immediate Facebook “status” update. Not for my friend. His life is not about inflating his own self-importance.

A couple weeks ago, another friend announced that the focus of her blog was going to be about highlighting other people living radically for God. Sara quit her job, sold most of her belongings, and said goodbye to family and community in order to move across country to Las Vegas to help plant a church. I'm sure that is the definition of radical, yet, she is choosing to exalt the faithfulness of others, rather than herself.

On Saturday morning, I went on an hour run with a new friend. She initiated asking me intentional questions about my life and took time to hear my heart. She simply listened more than she spoke about herself. The focus did not have to be about her in order for her to be content.

I have a friend whose FB status always points others to Christ in the form of verses or inspirational quotes. This is a stark contrast to majority of statuses which exalt self, focusing on my life, what I did for date night, and who I spent time with.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself; but thinking of yourself less often. These people, in different contexts, think about themselves less often. Their life points towards something other than themselves. Which way does your life point?

The Wilderness

I will never forget when the Lord spoke to me through the prophet Hosea: “I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her heart” (Hos 2:14).

I was camping in the bush of Zambia and awoke before the sunrise. I was desperate and needed to hear from the Lord. The physical desert surrounding my tent symbolized my spiritual season. I came to Zambia to love orphans and widows, expecting to feel near to God. Instead, God seemed distant and silent. My grandpa passed away. My heart was broken after an expected breakup. I felt alone, far away from any sense of security: no friends, no leadership titles, no activities, no boyfriend, no grade point average, no makeup…nothing. I felt completely void and for the first time in my life, I could not deny my powerlessness. Jean Vanier says that it is precisely here, in my place of poverty, that “God meets us and speaks to our hearts.”

I had been in Zambia two months at this point. God was at work, initiating a process in which He removed anything and anyone that became an idol in my life; things and relationships that I worshiped in the place of God (Hos 2:17). This process began at the Amsterdam Airport when my IPOD got stolen while I was sleeping and continued when I arrived to Zambia only to discover that my bag of makeup and ‘fashionable’ missionary clothes could not be found. I had minimal email access and therefore maintaining relationships was challenging. A part from things and relationships, I had to be stripped of certain attitudes and beliefs: efficiency, know-how, giftedness, and a deep sense of pride/ fix-it mentality from a Christian College education. In retrospect, I know that this process was God’s grace and loving-kindness towards me. God wanted me to know that He loves me just as I am, not as I would like to be or be perceived (the gifted, efficient, talented, and strong Katie).

The final promise of God to Hosea is betrothal- a covenant with God. It says “I will betroth you to me in faithfulness; and you shall know the Lord” (Hos 2:19-20). You shall know. This is not some intellectual knowing, but a knowing that comes from a personal experience with God’s presence and love. We tend to think that it is impossible for God to love us as we are today. We feel we are not worthy of that love. But, that morning in Zambia, I heard God say “I love you just as you are. You can stop pretending to be strong when in fact you are heart broken. You are safe in my love. You can stop trying to hide your fear, your sense of rejection, and weakness from me. You can take down your mask of having everything in control. I love you, just as you are.”

As I read God’s promise to Hosea, I felt reassured that God still wanted a covenant relationship with me-failures, gifts, fragility, and strength. I believe that He offers you the same invitation.

The wilderness was God’s grace to me. He led me there so that I could understand how much I am loved and known a part from my friendships, GPA, leadership positions, 5K time, and beauty. Take time to listen to God. Hear Him say “You are beloved.”

Saying NO

I've had to say "NO" a lot this year and I'm wondering why its so hard.

I try to walk with God and ask Him where He's leading as I make decisions. I'm becoming more secure in who God has created me to be, which brings a lot of clarity to what I'm not supposed to be about. But, I still find myself flinching, sometimes freezing inside when I have to come to a decision and the decision is "No." "No, I can't help you." "No, I can't come." "No, I don't have time to hang out." "No, I can't take this call right now."

Why is it so hard to say No?

Is it because I grew up watching others that I really respected and love carry unhealthy burdens and therefore, felt obligated to take care of others in the same way?

Is it because of people-pleasing?

Is it because I want people to like me, and I'm afraid they won't if I say No?

Is it because I fear that I'll miss the will of God, that He is in this or that request and I'm afraid to blow right past something that He is in?

Its probably D, all of the above. But, I think the common thread is that I want others to think well of me.

This mindset reveals how important it is for me to find my validation in God. I find it very hard to navigate the needs and demands of a broken world. Jesus says that "the poor will always be with you," which means that there will always be more need than I can meet. Nouwen says that if I don't first find my validation in the voice that calls me the beloved, I will "run around begging for affirmation, for praise, for success. And then you're not free." I'm learning that my inability to say "No" signals that I am not living freely and am instead, looking for affirmation from people rather than God.

God promises that His yolk is "easy" and His burden is "light." A part from Him, I am quick to either carry burdens that He hasn't asked me to carry or, I try to carry them in my own strength. Both of these responses cause weariness instead of God's promise of REST (Matthew 11:13). I need to daily ask God how I'm doing in this area as when I loose sight of this, I can quickly make a mess of things.

11 Months Later

This picture was taken 11 months ago on our wedding day. It captures the mutual delight between James and I. Although many people joked that our 'honeymoon' stage would inevitably come to an end, 11 months later...after moving to Wheaton, starting new jobs, graduate school, adjusting to the 'unique' rhythm of Residence Life, and immersing ourselves in a new community...walking out 3 of the 4 top stressors....the delight that I have for James has only deepened. The face of God in James is steadfast, passionate, the fullness of joy, a lover of people, strength manifested in meekness, and a deep wealth of wisdom to name just a few. I am grateful that each day, I encounter the face of God in James in new and profound ways.

Jean Vanier's words describe our 11 month journey best:

“We are called to an even greater love, to become one with each other.

This is something totally new, it is an openness and tenderness to one another,

That flows from the deepening transformation of God.

Together, one in God, because God is in the other.

This is the friendship of lovers, when the bride and bridegroom become one,

And together giving themselves to God and others.

In love each one is unique and precious;

Each one has his or her own place;

Each one receives and each one gives;

Each one has a grateful heart;

There are no more barriers

Each delights in the other;

Each is a delight for the other;

Because in each one is seen the face of God."

Vanier defines love as "revealing to someone his or her own beauty." How do you see the face of God in your spouse, closest friends, or family members? Marriage has invited me to fully embrace the transformative power of living life out loud, in the daily presence of another, graciously accepting a 'this is me' perspective, sharing my brokenness and accepting the love, forgiveness, and communion that can only be found in the presence of another. The picture above illustrates our posture in marriage- we have chosen to approach life together, face to face, with strength and in love, as we pass through the joyful and painful moments that life throws at us. Life tries it best to divide us, but 11 months later, we still stand, together, face to face, recognizing the face of God in the other, grateful for the fullness of grace that God has poured out on our marriage.