Lessons in Forgiveness

(Katie) James and I are quickly approaching the end of our first year living in Fischer Hall's basement with 600 college students. Our decision to live in community our first two years of marriage was very intentional (more on that another time). My primary job description is to listen: to God, to students, to Holy Spirit, to students. I have listened to students articulate the love and support found in community along with the reality that it is hard to endure at times. Community life has really opened me up to the real struggle of moving toward light in the forms of forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing when the darkness of rejection, anger, and the feeling of not truly belonging are so real. We all have wounds. We all live in pain and disappointment. We all have feelings of loneliness that lurk beneath all of our successes. Feelings of uselessness that hide under all the praise. Feelings of meaninglessness even when people say we are fantastic!


After almost a full year of listening to roommate conflicts and every type of student care issue imaginable, I believe that at the root of majority of community conflict is expectation. We constantly turn to people and expect affection, affirmation, and love that they cannot give completely. We expect others to take away our loneliness. We expect others to give us a sense of belonging and at-homeness. We expect others to give us security and our sense of peace. We expect others to encourage and affirm us. When our expectations are not met, we are often left feeling upset, angry, confused, lonely, and even depressed. 


This past Sunday at church, Jonathan preached a powerful message entitled Resolving Our Pain with the Father. This message was quite timely as I've spent a lot of time this year tending to pain related to community, my own wounds and others. Specifically, there has been one relationship where I have tried a thousand times to forgive this person. I started the healing process by "diagnosing" them to my counselor, hoping to evoke a sense of pity for them because of all of "their issues." Clearly, not healthy and very prideful. But, it felt good for a while until my counselor started turning the conversation back to my pain. That evoked anger. But, even in anger, I still couldn't own that I was hurt, or even that the root of the pain was rejection. I kept trying to forgive, but my emotions were still not there.


Henri Nouwen defines forgiveness as the willingness to continually forgive the other person for not fulfilling all my needs and desires" (p.119). Notice that forgives is a constant process that requires us to take responsibility for our own needs, rather than expecting others to meet them and blaming them when they don't. The voice of forgiveness says, "I know you love me, but you don't have to love me unconditionally because only God can do that." Forgiveness assumes love from others, giving them the benefit of the doubt. The truth is that human beings, whether it's your husband, your wife, your father, mother, brother, sister, or child are all limited in giving the level of love and acceptance that we all crave. They are limited! Although God created each of us with a desire for total communion, He never intended it to be fully satisfied in our human relationships. Only God can satisfy our desire for total communion and understanding this truth is not merely an intellectual task, but a matter of the heart. God's love is unlimited; our love is not. Any relationship we enter into, friendship, marriage, community, church- will always be riddled with frusteration and disappointment. So, forgiveness becomes the word for "divine love in the human context." Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven" times (Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. 


As people who long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being God. In my own journey of restoration, I am learning that as I forgive this person for not being God, I am slowly able see how they are a reflection of God!


So, who do you need to forgive and let off the hook for not being God?

Beauty Spell

(Katie) On our way to St. Lucia, James and I got to watch Delta's featured movie of the month: The Voyage of Dawn Treader from C.S Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. The clip below was extremely powerful!

In the scene, Lucy chooses to say a magic spell that will make her become beautiful, like her older sister Susan. By reciting the spell, however,  she completely disappears as if she never existed. Lucy panics, realizing what she has done, and immediately Aslan appears by her side.

Aslan: Lucy.

Lucy: Aslan?

Aslan: What have you done child?

Lucy: I don’t know. That was awful.

Aslan: But you chose it Lucy.

Lucy: I didn’t mean to choose all of that. I just wanted to be beautiful like Susan. That’s all.
Aslan: You wished yourself away and with it much more. Your brothers and sisters wouldn’t know Narnia without you Lucy. You discovered it first, remember?

Lucy:  I’m so sorry.

Aslan: You doubt your value. Don’t run from who you are.

Powerful words.

Last night, I was invited to speak at Matters of the Heart, an event for women living in Fischer Hall, focusing on issues of sexuality and identity. It was sobering to sit in front of an audience of beautiful, talented women and be asked questions which revealed how much they doubt their value. While they looked to me, the speaker, for an answer to this remedy, all I could do was simply confess that I too am still on my own journey toward finding my security in Christ. I still struggle internally with lies that cause me to question: Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I talented enough? Am I a good wife? Am I a good friend? Like Lucy, how often do we secretly wish that we could become like someone else in a particular area (solving our insecurities) without recognizing the severe consequences of loosing ourselves in the process?

I am also learning what it is like to encounter people who are secure in Christ. How refreshing it is and rare. A wise professor recently said to me, "the measure of true security is someone who can rejoice with you when you are rejoicing. Their ability to celebrate reveals that they know the goodness of God and the Truth that He does not withhold anything from his children. Therefore, they can truly celebrate!" Upon returning from St. Lucia, some of my best conversations about our experience have been with some of my single girlfriends or married friends that are in a busy season, struggling to find time to connect. I know my single friends desire to get married some day and I know our married friends are longing for a vacation, but that didn't stop them from taking time to ask me intentional questions. Who I am or what I've experienced doesn't threaten or diminish their sense of security. They are secure. They've inspired me to want to be someone who celebrates others well, even when they are experiencing the fulfillment of something that I am still waiting for or desiring.

As the movie clip reveals, Lucy is valiant and beautiful because of her faith in Aslan. Her courage and faith is what opened the door to Narnia. Without Lucy, her siblings would never have encountered Aslan. When Aslan reminds Lucy of this truth, the temptation is broken, and the real Lucy appears. When we are secure in Christ, not doubting our value, we unconsciously give others permission  to do the same!

Lavished

"How Great is the Love the Father has Lavished On Us"

(1 John 3:1)

(Katie) The picture above is the view that James and I woke up to each morning on our honeymoon in St. Lucia. The first morning, James woke up in absolute awe at 5AM, 6AM..(you get the idea)..utterly captivated by the sheer magnificence of the Peton Mountains and the ocean. The natural beauty of the island was jaw dropping, causing us to pause frequently each day in reverence to God, the Creator. Whether snorkeling, kayaking in  Jealousie Bay, climbing The Gros Peton, sailing, or laying on the beach I found myself perpetually praising God, adoring His creativity.

For those of you that don't know the back story, James spent months and months researching, praying, and planning our honeymoon. It was a surprise! Each detail of the trip was planned with me in mind. (I couldn't have planned it better myself.) Everyday, I was overwhelmed by my husband's intentionality, thoughtfulness, and deep love. Each time that I would thank James, he would humbly point me beyond his love towards God's love for me. While I have been James' wife for 8 months and will always be his bride, James' reminded me that I am first and foremost the bride of Christ. We each are. My marriage with James points me toward the Greater Love story which I am (we all are) a part of in which I am constantly and relentlessly pursued by God, who richly lavishes His love upon me. 


In Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God, C.J. Mahaney states that “All Christian marriages are intended ultimately to point to that greater reality. The final, glorious purpose of Christian marriage is to witness to the relationship between Christ and the Church.” I will treasure those 8 days on St. Lucia with James and God in my heart for the rest of my life. But, the honeymoon is not the end in and of itself. It was meant to point me toward the "greater reality"....the Greater Love story that I am a apart of and that continues far beyond our trip to St. Lucia. 


Thank you for all of you who covered our trip in prayer. We felt it and are so grateful!