Friday, March 25, 2011

Lessons in Forgiveness

(Katie) James and I are quickly approaching the end of our first year living in Fischer Hall's basement with 600 college students. Our decision to live in community our first two years of marriage was very intentional (more on that another time). My primary job description is to listen: to God, to students, to Holy Spirit, to students. I have listened to students articulate the love and support found in community along with the reality that it is hard to endure at times. Community life has really opened me up to the real struggle of moving toward light in the forms of forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing when the darkness of rejection, anger, and the feeling of not truly belonging are so real. We all have wounds. We all live in pain and disappointment. We all have feelings of loneliness that lurk beneath all of our successes. Feelings of uselessness that hide under all the praise. Feelings of meaninglessness even when people say we are fantastic!


After almost a full year of listening to roommate conflicts and every type of student care issue imaginable, I believe that at the root of majority of community conflict is expectation. We constantly turn to people and expect affection, affirmation, and love that they cannot give completely. We expect others to take away our loneliness. We expect others to give us a sense of belonging and at-homeness. We expect others to give us security and our sense of peace. We expect others to encourage and affirm us. When our expectations are not met, we are often left feeling upset, angry, confused, lonely, and even depressed. 


This past Sunday at church, Jonathan preached a powerful message entitled Resolving Our Pain with the Father. This message was quite timely as I've spent a lot of time this year tending to pain related to community, my own wounds and others. Specifically, there has been one relationship where I have tried a thousand times to forgive this person. I started the healing process by "diagnosing" them to my counselor, hoping to evoke a sense of pity for them because of all of "their issues." Clearly, not healthy and very prideful. But, it felt good for a while until my counselor started turning the conversation back to my pain. That evoked anger. But, even in anger, I still couldn't own that I was hurt, or even that the root of the pain was rejection. I kept trying to forgive, but my emotions were still not there.


Henri Nouwen defines forgiveness as the willingness to continually forgive the other person for not fulfilling all my needs and desires" (p.119). Notice that forgives is a constant process that requires us to take responsibility for our own needs, rather than expecting others to meet them and blaming them when they don't. The voice of forgiveness says, "I know you love me, but you don't have to love me unconditionally because only God can do that." Forgiveness assumes love from others, giving them the benefit of the doubt. The truth is that human beings, whether it's your husband, your wife, your father, mother, brother, sister, or child are all limited in giving the level of love and acceptance that we all crave. They are limited! Although God created each of us with a desire for total communion, He never intended it to be fully satisfied in our human relationships. Only God can satisfy our desire for total communion and understanding this truth is not merely an intellectual task, but a matter of the heart. God's love is unlimited; our love is not. Any relationship we enter into, friendship, marriage, community, church- will always be riddled with frusteration and disappointment. So, forgiveness becomes the word for "divine love in the human context." Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven" times (Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. 


As people who long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being God. In my own journey of restoration, I am learning that as I forgive this person for not being God, I am slowly able see how they are a reflection of God!


So, who do you need to forgive and let off the hook for not being God?











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