Banana Bread

[James] As Katie and I celebrate our one month anniversary today I can't help but spend some time in reflection. As I look upon the home that we have now built together, the pictures of us, the plants, the shared belongings, the meal that we made together and now the warm banana bread that is about to come out of the oven, I love who we are, who Katie is, and who I am... and who we are becoming.

My friend Aaron once told me these timeless words, "We never arrive."

I wish there was a verse in the Bible that stated something like, "And I pray that you may be microwaved and nuked in Love and that in 1 minute, after the push of a button, you would come out ready."If there were a verse like that, I would have made that our wedding theme. The truth is no one likes waiting, and I have found this out about myself recently in regards to me and my ability to be patient with myself. Although I never said it aloud, I believe now that there has been some lie that I have believed, that one day I would arrive into the person that I wanted to be; the person that God had called me to be. But it doesn't happen that way.

I like things that are very concrete in that I can control the variables and as a result affect the outcome... Since we have been married I have loved our bikes, working on them and optimizing their performance. I have loved decorating because it is as simple as you dream it and you actualize it. I have also loved setting up our blog because, again, with enough manipulation of html and texts, we have created a nice piece of cyberspace.

I strongly dislike that one cannot so easily apply these same methodologies to oneself. Though I tend to be an idealist and I can picture what a "completed James" would look like, think like, act like and love like, I am so far from it. And the methodology is not so easy as dreaming it and actualizing it. The truth, that I have come to is that we as human beings are more complex than that, and we are not meant to be nuked and eaten in under one minute. We have been designed for eternity. Funny that I get frustrated when I take a year to see improvement in an area such as patience, self esteem, inner security, gentleness or self control.

What I have been finding is that we are, as the Bible says; trees firmly planted, cedars, planted near the river, the product of seeds, rooted and established... we are always growing, but never arriving. I have found that I have spent 26 years sowing seeds, many of them good. Those good seeds have allowed me to love myself and Katie well. Other seeds, the bad ones, have been points of frustration fro both Katie and I. These bad seeds have been patterns I have established, practices I have normalized, lies that I bought into, habits that have been passed down. And just as they took years to be sown and grown, they seem to be taking years to undo and to sow new seeds in their place. The process seems as unnatural and frustrating as learning a new sport, instrument, skill or language. There are times when I literally have to tell myself to do the exact opposite of what I "feel" at the time. I have to act on truth. I have to believe upon Wisdom. I have to embrace Love.

Just moments ago, I heard a beep and suddenly a loaf of banana bread arrived from the oven. So many times this month I wish that I were like a loaf of bread or better yet a hot pocket, but alas, I am a man. And a good man indeed. I have not arrive, nor will I ever-this side of heaven, and even then I pray that I have things to learn. I have seen however, like the buds of new flowers planted almost a month ago, signs of growth, proof of life, and evidence that God is all the time parenting me and causing me to be conformed more and more into the likeness of His Son.

Thank you Katie for providing me with safe space to grow.
Thank you for helping me in my weeding.
Thank you for sowing new seeds in me.
Thank you for being Rooted and Established in Love... next to me.