A Culture of Honor

[James] One of the most challenging things that I have had to face in myself recently and within my community is the subject of honor. I had no idea how short I fell in the call to honor one another until I encountered people that actually practiced it.

In order to understand honor we might first look at dishonor. For me, the ways that I have wrongfully practiced, tolerated or experienced dishonor have been in the forms of slander, gossip-justified by calling it "processing", and sarcasm.

Slander is defined as this; words that are falsely spoken that damage the reputation of another. Interestingly enough, the definition does not say "false words spoken", it says "words that are falsely spoken", and there is a big difference. Often times I feel justified in what I am saying about someone because it is "the truth". And what is wrong with the truth? Sometimes in talking to another person about someone I convince myself that I am doing some sort of justice in pointing out someone else's brokenness. However, recently the Spirit has been convicting me of the difference between judgment and a judgmental spirit. A sure sign for me that I am acting out a of a judgmental spirit is if there is any sense of pleasure when someone else hears of remarks about someone and they identify with me or get fired up.

Gossip is, in short, talking about beef you have with anyone to anybody else but that somebody. Most often it begins as processing and evaluating but it is, without question, gossip. Apart from a spiritual director, mentor or psychologist, in the context when sharing has to do with how someone makes you feel rather than what they have done wrong, the matte should not be discussed with anyone except face to face with that person. Since beginning my new job, I have realized how poor I am at this. It is so easy for me to stand by and listen or even participate in the verbal slaughter of someone's character. Even if I am not participating, allowing someone to "vent" to me is enabling them to hold very serious anger, resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness against someone else.

Sarcasm. Now this one at first seems disconnected, but it is the most common source of dishonor that I have been associated with. Sarcasm is not all in good fun, nor does it need to be justified by a good sense of humor. Sarcasm is toxic within a community and it destroys peoples sense of self confidence, self respect, and  sense of security. Sarcasm is a passive aggressive, verbal and non-verbal form of communication. When people use sarcastic expressions, they are usually done out of a place of mean-spirit, arrogance, jealousy, and getting back to the original word, dishonor. Sarcasm can only be used within a relational dynamic in which people agree on the terms of what is fair and unfair. And even when one person believes that the ground is open and fair game, it is always good to check in to see how the other person is doing. Most of today's culture goes on with thick large shells around them, injured from so much insult and injury that they don't seem to be bothered by sarcasm. The truth is that numbness is not synonymous with health.

The character of David has been helping Katie and I understand what it looks like to have a heart that loves and honors others. Probably the most paradigm shattering example of honor in the old testament is the relationship with David and Saul. In 1 Samuel 24 we read an account of which David is on the run from Saul who, at this point driven with jealousy and insecurity, wants to kill David. Saul, who is in search of David, decides to relieve himself in a cave where, unbeknownst to him, David and his mighty men were already hiding out. David's friends began to tell him how lucky he was; that this was the day that God was delivering Saul into his hands so that David could rightfully take the thrown of Israel once and for all. David in a moment impulse gets within reach of Saul and cuts a piece of his garment off. Afterward, David is filled with conviction and remorse. "How could I raise my hand against God's anointed?" He then prostrates himself before Saul outside of the cave and begs Saul for mercy, which Saul granted him at the time.

Some things that strike me are David's sense of loyalty, his sense of honor, his sense of conviction and his willingness to repent. Saul was a man undeserving of any of those things. Saul was not only a bad leader, but he was outwardly against David. And yet, David came low and was willing to lay his own life down so that the king and more importantly, "The King", would have honor.

God is teaching me how to honor my wife; To speak well of her even when she is not around to hear it. To defend her even if it means that I take the hit. To go to her directly when I am hurt, frustrated, upset or disappointed and to ensure that if there is a grievance between her and I, she will be the first to know it.

God is teaching me how to honor my coworkers; to refuse from participating in or encouraging gossip. To go to them directly in ways that I have felt wronged or hurt. To only speak well of my employers, even if and when they are not deserving of it. And to ensure them that I am for them and that I am even willing to take the hit if need be rather than deflecting it to the responsible person. Did God not do the same for us?

God is teaching me how to honor my friends, my family and my communities. He is teaching me to not only feel love to but to put it into practice. Gos is calling me to raise up a culture of honor among brothers and sisters in Christ so that when a non believer hears of me speaking about another believer, they might say I want to believe in the same God that they believe. If the God of the old testament and the God of the new testament makes people and communities like that, I want to be a part of it.

Although this will require me going to many people directly, I want to apologize for the ways that I have either dishonored you or allowed you to be dishonoring of other people. I am committing to make it a point to be direct with you, to not use sarcasm as a means to vent, to not gossip, to not slander and to honor those that I am in relationship with. And I give you, my community, the right to hold me to this and to call me out (directly) when I fail to uphold this.