The Wilderness

I will never forget when the Lord spoke to me through the prophet Hosea: “I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her heart” (Hos 2:14).

I was camping in the bush of Zambia and awoke before the sunrise. I was desperate and needed to hear from the Lord. The physical desert surrounding my tent symbolized my spiritual season. I came to Zambia to love orphans and widows, expecting to feel near to God. Instead, God seemed distant and silent. My grandpa passed away. My heart was broken after an expected breakup. I felt alone, far away from any sense of security: no friends, no leadership titles, no activities, no boyfriend, no grade point average, no makeup…nothing. I felt completely void and for the first time in my life, I could not deny my powerlessness. Jean Vanier says that it is precisely here, in my place of poverty, that “God meets us and speaks to our hearts.”

I had been in Zambia two months at this point. God was at work, initiating a process in which He removed anything and anyone that became an idol in my life; things and relationships that I worshiped in the place of God (Hos 2:17). This process began at the Amsterdam Airport when my IPOD got stolen while I was sleeping and continued when I arrived to Zambia only to discover that my bag of makeup and ‘fashionable’ missionary clothes could not be found. I had minimal email access and therefore maintaining relationships was challenging. A part from things and relationships, I had to be stripped of certain attitudes and beliefs: efficiency, know-how, giftedness, and a deep sense of pride/ fix-it mentality from a Christian College education. In retrospect, I know that this process was God’s grace and loving-kindness towards me. God wanted me to know that He loves me just as I am, not as I would like to be or be perceived (the gifted, efficient, talented, and strong Katie).

The final promise of God to Hosea is betrothal- a covenant with God. It says “I will betroth you to me in faithfulness; and you shall know the Lord” (Hos 2:19-20). You shall know. This is not some intellectual knowing, but a knowing that comes from a personal experience with God’s presence and love. We tend to think that it is impossible for God to love us as we are today. We feel we are not worthy of that love. But, that morning in Zambia, I heard God say “I love you just as you are. You can stop pretending to be strong when in fact you are heart broken. You are safe in my love. You can stop trying to hide your fear, your sense of rejection, and weakness from me. You can take down your mask of having everything in control. I love you, just as you are.”

As I read God’s promise to Hosea, I felt reassured that God still wanted a covenant relationship with me-failures, gifts, fragility, and strength. I believe that He offers you the same invitation.

The wilderness was God’s grace to me. He led me there so that I could understand how much I am loved and known a part from my friendships, GPA, leadership positions, 5K time, and beauty. Take time to listen to God. Hear Him say “You are beloved.”

Saying NO

I've had to say "NO" a lot this year and I'm wondering why its so hard.

I try to walk with God and ask Him where He's leading as I make decisions. I'm becoming more secure in who God has created me to be, which brings a lot of clarity to what I'm not supposed to be about. But, I still find myself flinching, sometimes freezing inside when I have to come to a decision and the decision is "No." "No, I can't help you." "No, I can't come." "No, I don't have time to hang out." "No, I can't take this call right now."

Why is it so hard to say No?

Is it because I grew up watching others that I really respected and love carry unhealthy burdens and therefore, felt obligated to take care of others in the same way?

Is it because of people-pleasing?

Is it because I want people to like me, and I'm afraid they won't if I say No?

Is it because I fear that I'll miss the will of God, that He is in this or that request and I'm afraid to blow right past something that He is in?

Its probably D, all of the above. But, I think the common thread is that I want others to think well of me.

This mindset reveals how important it is for me to find my validation in God. I find it very hard to navigate the needs and demands of a broken world. Jesus says that "the poor will always be with you," which means that there will always be more need than I can meet. Nouwen says that if I don't first find my validation in the voice that calls me the beloved, I will "run around begging for affirmation, for praise, for success. And then you're not free." I'm learning that my inability to say "No" signals that I am not living freely and am instead, looking for affirmation from people rather than God.

God promises that His yolk is "easy" and His burden is "light." A part from Him, I am quick to either carry burdens that He hasn't asked me to carry or, I try to carry them in my own strength. Both of these responses cause weariness instead of God's promise of REST (Matthew 11:13). I need to daily ask God how I'm doing in this area as when I loose sight of this, I can quickly make a mess of things.

11 Months Later

This picture was taken 11 months ago on our wedding day. It captures the mutual delight between James and I. Although many people joked that our 'honeymoon' stage would inevitably come to an end, 11 months later...after moving to Wheaton, starting new jobs, graduate school, adjusting to the 'unique' rhythm of Residence Life, and immersing ourselves in a new community...walking out 3 of the 4 top stressors....the delight that I have for James has only deepened. The face of God in James is steadfast, passionate, the fullness of joy, a lover of people, strength manifested in meekness, and a deep wealth of wisdom to name just a few. I am grateful that each day, I encounter the face of God in James in new and profound ways.

Jean Vanier's words describe our 11 month journey best:

“We are called to an even greater love, to become one with each other.

This is something totally new, it is an openness and tenderness to one another,

That flows from the deepening transformation of God.

Together, one in God, because God is in the other.

This is the friendship of lovers, when the bride and bridegroom become one,

And together giving themselves to God and others.

In love each one is unique and precious;

Each one has his or her own place;

Each one receives and each one gives;

Each one has a grateful heart;

There are no more barriers

Each delights in the other;

Each is a delight for the other;

Because in each one is seen the face of God."

Vanier defines love as "revealing to someone his or her own beauty." How do you see the face of God in your spouse, closest friends, or family members? Marriage has invited me to fully embrace the transformative power of living life out loud, in the daily presence of another, graciously accepting a 'this is me' perspective, sharing my brokenness and accepting the love, forgiveness, and communion that can only be found in the presence of another. The picture above illustrates our posture in marriage- we have chosen to approach life together, face to face, with strength and in love, as we pass through the joyful and painful moments that life throws at us. Life tries it best to divide us, but 11 months later, we still stand, together, face to face, recognizing the face of God in the other, grateful for the fullness of grace that God has poured out on our marriage.

FREEDOM

(Katie)

An attribute of Jesus that I've been intrigued with this past week is how He always invited people to engage in the healing process, even when their need was obvious. He asked a blind man, named Blind Bartimaues, "What do you want Me to do for you?" And of course, Blind Bartimaeus answered, "I want to regain my sight." Why did the Lord ask such an obvious question? Or, why when He approached the lame man at the Pool of Bethesda, who had been waiting for 18 years, hoping to catch the angel stirring the water, did He ask, "Do you wish to get well?" Again, another obvious question. Why did Jesus, a man whose healing ministry had a 100% success rate stop and ask questions that have seemingly obvious answers?

Isaiah 61, my life verse, says that Jesus came to "proclaim freedom for the captives (v.1)!" Jesus came for my freedom. I believe that Jesus honors our freedom and therefore, through asking a question, empowered Blind Bartimaeus to choose his freedom.

This past week, I've been inspired by some women who are choosing freedom- freedom from fear, control, low-self worth, and comparison. They modeled courage and humility as they named the deep places in their life that are in need of healing. They chose to take off the cloak of shame and guilt. Shame is the voice that says, "You didn't fail; you are a failure." You didn't make a mistake; you are a mistake!" Shame leads us to believe that our poor behavior is really flowing from who we are, which directly attacks our identity. When shame takes root in our hearts, we feel safer keeping the "broken spot" concealed. When our trust is low, anxiety is usually high. When anxiety rises, we morph into self-preservation mode, trying to protect ourselves.

It takes a safe place to expose a vulnerable place, an area that needs healing. We need safe relationships, in which no matter the size of our mistakes, safe people will boldly declare, confirm, and reveal our true identity as sons and daughters of the King of Kings. The truth of our identity in Christ renounces the lies that say "you are a failure" or "you are a mistake" or "you are unloveable."

Jesus came to set us free from the shame, guilt, fear, and self-hatred that easily entangle us. God desires for us to live from a place of His unconditional love and acceptance 100% of the time. God approaches each us asking, "What do you want me to do for you?" His perfect love frees us from the need to hide, which prevents us from responding whole-heartedly to this question. Freedom is available. Thanks to some courageous women in my life, I'm inspired to go for it with God.

REST

(Katie) God is so good! As James and I prayed about our Summer, we felt that it was to be a time of rest, renewal, and joy! During the Summer, we still live in our apartment, even though the Residence Hall is empty. I have found it challenging to learn how to rest in our apartment because it is the same space that I have challenging student care conversations.

A couple weeks ago, we were invited to house/puppy sit for a week in this beautiful Anne of Green Gables meets Victorian house in downtown Wheaton! Wheaton is known for its beautiful front porches and of course, this home has one, perfect for morning coffee, devotions, and any good book.

A part from being completely spoiled by a shower with 5 faucets and a Jacuzzi, the house also includes Brutus, an English Bull Dog. Before Petland closed, many of you know that I used to find any excuse to go there and hold the English Bull Dog puppies. Brutus is sweet, fun-loving, a total cuddler, and a great companion on the Prairie Path. And, he still carries his blankey around.

I am amazed at how God provided exactly what I needed (in a space) to slow down and refrain from my go-go-go pace of life. Rest is just one of the ways that we receive life from God. We stop, set all of our busyness down, and allow ourselves to be replenished. Rest is supposed to happen regularly, weekly in fact, based on the original Sabbath prescription. Why does a week-long stay in this beautiful house feel like such a luxury?

Perhaps its because I do not regularly stop and ask God, Is this what you'd have me do, Lord? I assume that God wants me to say "YES" to volunteer at church, pursue another new friendship, work late.. fill in the blank. I work really, really hard, resurrect a short vacation, and then try to do it all again. This thinking is prideful and madness. The truth is that my pushing and striving cut me off from the life I so desperately need. God loves me too much to leave me to my own devices of busyness and drivenness.

Psalm 91 says, "The Lord is my Shepherd....I shall not want. In green pastures He gives me rest. Besides quiet waters He leads me. He restores my soul." I'm reminded again how much I need a Shepherd. Without Him, my pace of life is too busy. When I choose to follow my Shepherd, he sets my pace of life. He ensures that I find the pasture. This lifestyle of following the Shepherd is a choice. However, I continue to learn that each time I choose to follow, I always receive life, rest, refreshment, and peace from God. What is the life that God wants you to live?

Below: Brutus....my picture of fully embracing REST!!!

Be Willing to Have a Look

(Katie)

Last Thursday night, I attended my Minnesota church! At the beginning of the service, my pastor prayed over me and said, "Katie, tonight, the Lord wants you to know that you are worthy."

This simple phrase penetrated deep into my heart. As I received the phrase, I realized that my natural tendency was to reject the statement as false. However, something about being worthy resonated in my heart and clicked.

I have a tendency to push through these moments and avoid them. I don't want to go there. I don't want to know what inside of me is refusing to receive the truth that I am worthy. But again, I felt a strong prompting in my heart to be willing to have a look.

I believe that my response of avoidance is quite typical to how most of us deal with our internal life. We sense rumblings beneath the surface, and we don't want to go there or we tell ourselves that we will do it later. In my experience, "later" is an excuse to avoid it and it never happens.

Now is the time. I knew that God was inviting me to receive healing in this area of my heart. Although it can be scary to look at our pain and wounds, I am learning that God deals tenderly with our hearts. As I sat there, God brought me back to a specific experience in which I was really hurt. At the time, the pain was too much for me and so I shoved it down to try to get away from it. In the process, my heart came to the conclusion that I am not worth it. At the time, I was not even aware that I made that agreement. Although this agreement was subtle, it pinned my heart down in this particular area making it difficult for me to feel the love of God.

I found myself praying through this experience in my past and inviting Jesus into it. It was extraordinarily redemptive. I think that God invites us into this process more often than we realize. He'll bring something up that will trigger a memory- we might see a friend, have a dream, visit a particular place, and we are brought back to some period of our life. In those moments, invite Jesus into that period of your life. As painful as it may be, linger there. Allow the Spirit to show you what to pray. It is a powerful thing to redeem the past, inviting Jesus into it, giving it to Him, letting Him heal or affirm or cleanse or redeem an experience.

I believe that God wants us to be whole people. Healed. Restored. Made whole. Be willing to have a look at your past. Invite Jesus in. Now is the time dear friends.

Katie Isn't

(Katie)

I recently was invited to speak about my experience working alongside and ministering to college students. A friend got up to introduce me. He said to the audience, "I'm going to tell you what Katie isn't. She isn't a philosopher. She isn't a teacher. She isn't a scholar..." I felt somewhat mortified hearing all the things that I wasn't. Each isn't statement initially hit directly on my own questions of worth. For example, as a gradate student, aren't I supposed to give the illusion that I am scholarly?

As I reflected on each statement, I realized that my friend's unusual introduction was wise and correct. In naming what I am not, he brought surprising clarity and revelation to who I am. His introduction emptied me of all these false identities that I try to be. Perhaps, we could each use an emptying of identity now and then (maybe not in front of an audience).

My friend's introduction reminded me of Rob Bell's Art of Elimination from the Drops Like Stars tour, still to this day, one of my favorite dates that James' planned. Bell explains that great artists know that it isn't just about what you add; sometimes the most important work is knowing what to take away. Removing clutter, excess, all the superfluous elements and in the process, discovering what's been there the whole time.

My friend's introduction helped to name and eliminate the unnecessary and superficial identities that I've added to myself. I felt immense freedom as my false identities were stripped off and eliminated. As I got up to speak, the audience saw my true form: I am a counselor. I am drawn to the brokenhearted and find joy in helping people walk in the freedom from the things that hold them in bondage. I delight in seeing the unique potential in people and releasing them into their destiny. That's who I am in my truest form.

James and I are in a season of emptying ourselves of any false identities or masks that we've added over the past 27 years. In the book of John, Jesus asks Peter, "do you love me more than these?" I believe that God invites each of us to honestly assess if we love the false selves and masks that we've added more than Him and the original form that He created us to be.

Considering who you are not, may give you surprising revelation of who you are!

The True Gentleman way...

One of my favorite surprises about marrying Katie was when I discovered that her dad, uncles and cousins all were alumni of the same social fraternity that I was in during College, Sigma Alpha Epsilon. The first time I met Bruce, I greeted him with the SAE handshake. We had a good laugh.

Although most people are surprised to hear that I was a "frat-boy", I have nothing but fond experiences in the fraternity. Although I was only active for 2 years before my outside curricular activities brought me in other directions, it was during this time that I met some incredible men of faith as well as men of folly. Yet, of all the shenanigans that take place within fraternal life, there are some great nuggets of gold that still remain from the high intentions of the founders. The founding fathers of most social fraternities were men of faith and strong character. Their greatest pursuits were ones of academic achievement, philanthropy, athletics, chivalry and character.

My pledge class was an incredibly diverse class of 13 random students ranging from ranchers, Marines, preps, jocks and me, the hippie-musician.One part of our pledge process was memorizing The True Gentleman Creed. It was these words that we were encouraged to live by.

To this day, these words still stick with me. I found myself reflecting on them recently and wanted to share them with you.

"The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe."

John Walter Wayland
Virginia, 1899

The greatest challenge I have found in this charge is the tension of "speaking with frankness" while also being someone who "thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own." I am finding that typically when I speak frankly, I hurt other people's feelings. Yet, I do not believe that saying nothing in the hopes of saving face and being polite is the best alternative.

Anyone master this one yet?