The Wilderness

I will never forget when the Lord spoke to me through the prophet Hosea: “I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her heart” (Hos 2:14).

I was camping in the bush of Zambia and awoke before the sunrise. I was desperate and needed to hear from the Lord. The physical desert surrounding my tent symbolized my spiritual season. I came to Zambia to love orphans and widows, expecting to feel near to God. Instead, God seemed distant and silent. My grandpa passed away. My heart was broken after an expected breakup. I felt alone, far away from any sense of security: no friends, no leadership titles, no activities, no boyfriend, no grade point average, no makeup…nothing. I felt completely void and for the first time in my life, I could not deny my powerlessness. Jean Vanier says that it is precisely here, in my place of poverty, that “God meets us and speaks to our hearts.”

I had been in Zambia two months at this point. God was at work, initiating a process in which He removed anything and anyone that became an idol in my life; things and relationships that I worshiped in the place of God (Hos 2:17). This process began at the Amsterdam Airport when my IPOD got stolen while I was sleeping and continued when I arrived to Zambia only to discover that my bag of makeup and ‘fashionable’ missionary clothes could not be found. I had minimal email access and therefore maintaining relationships was challenging. A part from things and relationships, I had to be stripped of certain attitudes and beliefs: efficiency, know-how, giftedness, and a deep sense of pride/ fix-it mentality from a Christian College education. In retrospect, I know that this process was God’s grace and loving-kindness towards me. God wanted me to know that He loves me just as I am, not as I would like to be or be perceived (the gifted, efficient, talented, and strong Katie).

The final promise of God to Hosea is betrothal- a covenant with God. It says “I will betroth you to me in faithfulness; and you shall know the Lord” (Hos 2:19-20). You shall know. This is not some intellectual knowing, but a knowing that comes from a personal experience with God’s presence and love. We tend to think that it is impossible for God to love us as we are today. We feel we are not worthy of that love. But, that morning in Zambia, I heard God say “I love you just as you are. You can stop pretending to be strong when in fact you are heart broken. You are safe in my love. You can stop trying to hide your fear, your sense of rejection, and weakness from me. You can take down your mask of having everything in control. I love you, just as you are.”

As I read God’s promise to Hosea, I felt reassured that God still wanted a covenant relationship with me-failures, gifts, fragility, and strength. I believe that He offers you the same invitation.

The wilderness was God’s grace to me. He led me there so that I could understand how much I am loved and known a part from my friendships, GPA, leadership positions, 5K time, and beauty. Take time to listen to God. Hear Him say “You are beloved.”