I try to walk with God and ask Him where He's leading as I make decisions. I'm becoming more secure in who God has created me to be, which brings a lot of clarity to what I'm not supposed to be about. But, I still find myself flinching, sometimes freezing inside when I have to come to a decision and the decision is "No." "No, I can't help you." "No, I can't come." "No, I don't have time to hang out." "No, I can't take this call right now."
Why is it so hard to say No?
Is it because I grew up watching others that I really respected and love carry unhealthy burdens and therefore, felt obligated to take care of others in the same way?
Is it because of people-pleasing?
Is it because I want people to like me, and I'm afraid they won't if I say No?
Is it because I fear that I'll miss the will of God, that He is in this or that request and I'm afraid to blow right past something that He is in?
Its probably D, all of the above. But, I think the common thread is that I want others to think well of me.
This mindset reveals how important it is for me to find my validation in God. I find it very hard to navigate the needs and demands of a broken world. Jesus says that "the poor will always be with you," which means that there will always be more need than I can meet. Nouwen says that if I don't first find my validation in the voice that calls me the beloved, I will "run around begging for affirmation, for praise, for success. And then you're not free." I'm learning that my inability to say "No" signals that I am not living freely and am instead, looking for affirmation from people rather than God.
God promises that His yolk is "easy" and His burden is "light." A part from Him, I am quick to either carry burdens that He hasn't asked me to carry or, I try to carry them in my own strength. Both of these responses cause weariness instead of God's promise of REST (Matthew 11:13). I need to daily ask God how I'm doing in this area as when I loose sight of this, I can quickly make a mess of things.
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