Anamchara: From Soul to Soul

He who walks with the wise grows wise

Proverbs 13:20

Anamchara is Gaelic, the language of the Celtic lands, and when translated means "soul friend." This concept was distinctive in early Celtic Christianity, particularly in the monastic life, where every monk was assigned to an older brother in the community to walk the journey of faith with. 

So what exactly is a soul friend? Edward Sellner says that "to be a soul friend is to provide a place of sanctuary to another, where through our acceptance, love, and hospitality, he or she can grow in wisdom, and both of us in depth."

What a beautiful definition. I would like to further unpack some of the words and celebrate specific people in our life who God has used in 2010 to be "soul friends" to us. While James and I have been richly blessed with incredible families (and James is also a Lindstedt) and community, I wanted to specifically honor the faithfulness of specific friends in this past season.

Sanctuary 

Friends who provide a sanctuary, where the worst parts of ourselves can be acknowledged so that genuine change can occur are an eternal treasure. I would describe these friends as skilled listeners who, by their very nature and character, communicate a sense of safety and  trustworthiness. Their presence is disarming and our walls can easily come down.

I would like to honor Ann and Michael Swindell as friends who have provided a sanctuary for James and I. Since moving to Wheaton in July, the Swindells have faithfully discipled James and I. They are an incredible example of a godly marriage, a couple who wholeheartedly pursues Jesus in all areas of their lives. God has used them to help guide James and I in laying a rock solid foundation in our 5 month old marriage. Ann has the heart of a pastor and is a woman of immense wisdom. She has been steadfast in teaching and challenging me to REST (which I am awful at) and provides a refuge for me to bring brokenness into the light. Michael is apostolic, sees who James is in the Lord, and boldly calls that out in my husband. Michael sharpens James and I've been blessed to reap the fruits of their friendship. Ann and Michael, you are an answer to prayer! 

I would also like to honor Katie Welna and Matt Horne. Both Katie and Matt have faithfully covered James and I in prayer throughout our relationship and marriage. James and I covet their prayers as both of them pray in a powerful way that declares on "earth as it is in Heaven." God has given both of them the gift of FAITH and they have encouraged James and I to look at difficult circumstances through the eyes of faith. 

Love and Acceptance

Tracy Balzer describes soul friends as those who "recognize the image of God in you."

I would like to honor Vivian Klebs. While living in Zambia, I started praying for a mentor (in MN) who would see me like the Father did. God faithfully answered that prayer in Vivian. She is a mighty woman of God and I am blessed to call her my spiritual mom. She carries the love of the Father and has steadfastly called out Christ in me. As someone who struggles with self-doubt, Vivian's voice of LOVE has consistently spoken the Truth about who God says that I am and I've started to believe it. Vivian is more committed to my destiny than I am. Words don't do her justice, but her presence in my life is of profound significance.

I would also like to honor the Edisons (as of March 4th)....Rachel and Nathaniel. Rachel and I have a "Naomi and Ruth" friendship...we journey together, meeting each other in our deepest places. As a couple, Nathaniel and Rachel always call James and I back to the Truth of who God says we are when we start to waiver. Before James and I even realize that we are wavering, the phone rings and its the Edisons who have been praying and are all over it! They quickly and boldly call us back to the hold the line. They are also friends who help us to honor our marriage, helping James and I to see each other as God does when we are frustrated with one another. James and I are excited for 2011 and all that God has for our friendship and future ministry!

Trisha (AP): She and I met through a random small group last year in MN but she has faithfully showed the love of God to me through her constant JOY and encouragement. Too often jealousy creeps into female friendships (and let me tell you, there is a lot I could be jealous of with her) and I am grateful that this friendship is a safe place where we are mutually able to celebrate one another and the amazing things that God is doing in our lives. AND, no one makes me laugh more!

Truth

Soul friends are also those who create a haven where truth can be spoken in love. 

Brotha Trev has been an incredible friend to James (and I) and has modeled this attribute extremely well.  Trevor is perhaps the most joyful person that I know and he has spoken a lot of truth to my husband over this year. 

I am also grateful for DF and for guiding me through an intense, yearlong inward journey to look at a lot of things in myself that I was fearful to see. However, I persevered thanks to his constant reassurance and encouragement. As a gifted listener, DF spoke truth through asking me profound questions about where I was finding my identity, specifically in areas that weren't actually built on Christ. Furthermore, God used him as an instrument of restoration and reconciliation in our family and I am grateful for his guidance. 

K. Dove: Permission granted! Since moving to Wheaton, God has used K. Dove to speak profound truth into my life...stroke punch, stroke punch (thank you group projects). She has become a trusted confident within Residence Life and I am grateful for her friendship! 

James and I are rich in soul friends and we count them as some of our greatest blessings. We all need a "tribe" of people to journey with us through life. As 2010 comes to a close, I encourage you to take time to reflect on the "soul friends" in your tribe who have blessed you. Let them know of their impact before 2010 comes to a close!

Holidays or Hell-a-days...

[James] Katie and I have recently joked that the holidays can sometimes feel less "Holy" and more "Hell like". The challenge of  seeing everyone, spending time with people who are not always the easiest to be around and killing yourself in order to do it... can leave one feeling exhausted. Many people experience this sort of tension in their families. The reason I know that we experience this tension is because we care about and love the people we are going to spend time with. It is important to be connected to our families of origin, even if difficult at times. 

Just this weekend, one of the employees at my place of work had a brain aneurysm while he was driving. He had a minor accident and was brought by ambulance to the hospital. He is an only child, both of his parents are diseased and has only one good friend who is several cities away. He finds himself in the hospital today, one week from Christmas, alone with only a few co-workers to comfort him. 

The truth is that families are a blessing. Families, while often times our greatest challenge, love us more than most... even if they are not good at it. People generally love as best as they know how. As I am learning this, I am less mad at people in my life. I am learning that my security comes from a place far deeper than even flesh and blood. I am learning to receive what is Holy from family and friends, a hug, a kind word, and encouragement, while setting up a boundary for myself from the things that are hurtful; criticism, shame, blame, guilt, and slander. We each have to determine how well built our boundaries are and then we need to be honest with ourselves. Sometimes we do need to set such strong boundaries that we remove ourselves from a situation because it violates our sense of safety and value. We then can re-approach things when the timing is right.

The journey toward embracing broken people while maintaining dignity and differentiation is not easy. Although painful, I do believe this process to be essential for life, and I have found that we as humans will be all the better for it, not the worse. As Katie's husband, I am also learning to navigate limits; limits are those thresholds at which point a person no longer feels safe or valued. I in no way want to force her into the process faster than she is ready, just as she does the same for me at other points in our relationship. And we have an agreement that, we travel at the lowest threshold together. If Katie's at a 10 for feeling safe and valued, and I am at a 6, we travel at a 6 into situations together. This, however, is fully dependent on our communication and being honest with one another of where we are at each given moment. 

We must continue to remind ourselves that no one has control over us. No one can make us angry, shamed or sad. We ultimately choose how much people effect us, because we can control how close or far we are from people, both literally and metaphorically. If someone constantly causes sadness within you, you have the freedom to move farther from them like a child moves away from a campfire when it gets to hot. 

In Galatians, Paul lists self control as a fruit of the Spirit. Sometimes I wish that "Others-control" was fruit of the spirit or a super power that we possessed. I wish I had the ability to make someone a better friend or a better person, but I don't. Yet God gave us an incredible freedom to be lord over our own emotions and actions. 

So it is my prayer that as we journey into Christmas we can...

• Be honest with ourselves and where our thresholds are. If it gets too hot, get out for a bit. 
• Listen for the Holy voices of love within even the most hell-raising of family members and friends
• Lord over our own emotions and practice self-control. No one has control over us unless we allow them to.
  
  

Blessing, Peace and Joy.

He Knew What He was Getting Into

Now I become myself.

It's taken time, many years, and places.

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people's faces.

I love the candor in this artfully woven poem by May Sarton. What a long time it can take to become the person one has always been. In the process, we mask ourselves in faces that are not our own. I don't know about you, but as I go through pictures from my life, I can discern in which pictures that I am indeed "wearing other people's faces" and I could tell you exactly whose faces they were. Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic selfhood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. 

How much dissolving and shaking of the ego must we endure before we discover our true self? As I've reflected on this past year, my journey towards discovering my true self has been a downward path of humility in which I was brought low, humiliated, rendered powerless, stripped of pretenses and defenses, and left at times feeling empty and useless.  

One of the many gifts of this journey, however, is that I realized its not about perfection or even being "good," its about being whole. I know myself to be a woman of weakness and strength, liability and giftedness, darkness and light. I have learned that to be whole means to reject none of it but to embrace all of it. To embrace weakness, liability, and darkness as part of who I am gives them less power over me. If I extend compassion towards those parts of myself, I know longer have to fear them. 

While Sarton's poem describes the familiar process of asking the question "Who Am I," I think it inevitably leads to a more important question: "WHOSE ARE YOU?" There is no selfhood outside of relationship.

The other day, James and I were at the gym working out. We both love listening to worship music and recently downloaded the new JOY album from IHOP...not pancakes....House of Prayer. I was really wrestling with self-doubt and fear and was struggling to extend compassion and love to myself. At my lowest point, James came over to my treadmill and said "Babe, you have to listen to this song. I believe that this is what God is singing over you." I love marriage and when God speaks to me through James. I put on this song and started crying while running on my treadmill. Misty Edward's lyrics speak to the truth that we are God's beloved children, whom He has chosen and called. He knew exactly what He was getting into. God knew my weaknesses, my sin, and my brokenness AND He STILL chose me, wants me, and likes me. The same is true for YOU. I believe that Misty captured the song that the Father is singing over all of His children.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_P7Ji93pVA

I knew what I was getting into when called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into.

I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into.

And I am not shocked by your weakness.
And I am not shocked even by your sin.
And I am not shocked by your brokenness.

I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.

Cuz only I can see the end from the beginning.
And only I can see where this is going.
And only I can see the end from the beginning.
And I see in you the seeds of love.
And I see in you strength when all you see is your failure and all you feel is ashamed.
I can see deeper than that.
I know you better than that.

I knew what I was getting into when called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name.
I said it just the same.
I knew what getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.

Your only at the beginning.
You've only just begun and I know where you are going
And all you can see in the moment is that your hurting.
And all you can see in the moment is that your aching.

I knew what I was getting into when I called you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.
I knew what I was getting into when I called you.

Just don't give up.
And don't give in.
If you don't quit. You win, you win.

Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be okay.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be Okay.
And you don't have to pretend to be something or someone your not.
Cuz I know you better than that, even better, even better than that.
Listen my Beloved.

I knew what I was getting into when I called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name.
I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.

Living in the Contradiction

(Katie) 


In the frenzy of finals, I overheard a conversation that absolutely broke my heart. I heard a voice of accusation, guilt, and shame being responded to by a voice of love, gentleness, and grace. How could someone persevere in responding in love to what I heard to be emotional manipulation? The fragrance of Christ was all over that conversation. From an objective perspective, the one who persevered in love sounded like a fool, refusing to defend oneself or point out the obvious fallacies in the other person's arguments. But, the fragrance of Christ was all over that conversation because "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).


God is teaching me is that we are called to live in contradiction. My husband lovingly jokes that I am a very black and white thinker, which is unfortunately true and makes this lesson difficult for me to grasp. However, by living in the contradiction, I am learning that we become participants in the power and hope of Christ's cross. 


God has a profound way of weaving things together. I turn to poetry to escape in the midst of scholarly reading and writing. One of my favorite poets is Rilke, wrote the following words in Letters to a Young Poet:

Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart...try to love the contradictions themselves...do not now seek resolutions, which would not be able to be given because you would not be able to live them, and the point is to live everything. Live the contradictions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the resolutions.

As I study the Christmas story this year, I am amazed with all of the contradictions, some of which include:

• A Virgin giving Birth
• A King being born in a Manger where more animals witnessed his birth than humans
• Jesus' birth taken place in Bethlehem, a city "small among the clans of Judah" yet, from Bethlehem "will be the ruler of Israel" (Micah 5:2). 

If I were Joseph, I would have A LOT of questions for Mary, the angels, and God. I would want some kind of resolution and understanding before taking the trip to Bethlehem. I would probably resist living into the mystery. Yet, as I scanned the Bible for any sort of evidence that Joseph responded this way, I was pleasantly surprised that there is NO record of Joseph saying anything. Instead the Bible records Joseph listening and being obedient. Take a minute and let that sink in.


Joseph's response reminded me of the conversation that I over heard in which the person listened and was obedient to our call to love. I don't doubt that the person who persevered in  love had a lot of unresolved pain and questions in their heart. Yet, they still chose love. The conversation broke my heart because I realized that my natural response would not be that of gentleness and love. I love a God who contradicts the world, bringing light out of darkness, hope out of despair, life out of death. I pray that my life would start reflecting the character of God in that my response in situations would contradict that of what the world would expect. 

PS: My beloved mentor wrote me about this post and I wanted to add something that she said which is very important: "Love is patient, love is kind...the kind thing to do is to set Holy Spirit boundaries and value who you are in Christ." Obviously we all need to exercise discernment and recognize that if someone is being emotionally manipulative that perhaps, loving them well is modeling healthy boundaries! Thank you Vivian!

Temptation

(Katie) I am on the brink of finals week. As a recovering over-achiever, perfectionist, especially in academia, I am tempted to once again "prove" myself in the form of getting "A's." While rationally I know this to be utterly ridiculous as I already have a Master's degree and getting "A's" isn't the point, I am still struggling to overcome the temptation to find my identity in my grades.


God has a funny sense of humor. In the midst of fighting this mental battle, I am spending the weekend with Parker Palmer, reading all of his work. Ironically, in his writing, I came across his reflections about the temptation to be relevant. 


Temptation. Although this word is often a negative one for us, it actually has an instructive root. The Latin temptare means to try or test, to feel experimentally. I think within this word is the profound truth that there are some things we must act out to discover who we are in relation to them. As I read the story about Jesus being tempted in the desert, I am reminded of the educative potential of temptations. 


In the first temptation Jesus faces, the devil says, "If you are the Chosen One, tell this stone to turn into a loaf."  I find it interesting that the devil prefaces his challenge to turn stone into bread with a taunt that takes a familiar form: "If you are the Chosen One...." The tone of this taunt is unfortunately all too familiar to me (as I would assume it is for you as well) as it reminds me of the outward and inward voices in my life: "If you are talented...," "If you are an A student....," "If you are a real woman..," "If you truly care....," "If you are a good wife...." The root temptation here is the temptation to prove our identity. 


While this is an irresistible temptation for all of us, lets pause for a minute and return to Jesus' context as it must have been exceptionally intense for Him. The coming of the Messiah was a long-expected event in the history of Israel. The "Chosen One" expected by the Hebrew people was to come in the form of a warrior King who would destroy the leaders who threatened Israel's life. So imagine Jesus in the emotional turmoil of this historical event as the devil keeps taunting, "Go Ahead and Prove it." Jesus has the opportunity to prove His calling to himself and others with dramatic flair and finality. He could have easily won more believers by giving them evidence of who He was. How often in our own lives do we feel expectations, from work...graduate school...relationships...marriage....to "Go Ahead and Prove" ourselves?


Parker Palmer wisely says, "If Jesus had made stone into bread, He would have been acting mechanically, caught in the cogs of cultural expectations, compelled by circumstances to act  a role. By refusing to do so, He demonstrates and extends His transcendece over the context of His action" (p. 106).


Jesus is redefining "Chosen One" to suit his own sense of truth without regard to cultural expectations. Jesus did not regard himself as accountable for his calling to any other voice except God's. I am going to repeat this again: Jesus did not regard himself as accountable for his calling to any other voice except God's. So in his refusal to "prove" anything to devil, He was actually proving that He was in fact the "Chosen One." Jesus' ability to see through this illusion is clearly at the core of his resistance to the devil. 


At the end of the temptations, the Bible says, "having exhausted all the ways of tempting him (Jesus), the devil left him to return at the appointed time." This reveals that the temptations did not go away, despite what Jesus has been through. They will arise over and over in Jesus' life as they do in our own. Temptation is not a one time thing; they are the dynamics of the life process itself. As someone who is daily tempted to "Go Ahead and Prove" my identity, I am encouraged that Jesus has overcome this temptation on a much larger scale. The battle has already been won!

Be Yourself

"Do Not Cease Giving Thanks" (Ephesians 1:16)

(Katie) The two pictures are some of my favorites from our wedding. These are my grandparents, Mor Mor and Grandpa Mooty (Jane and John). I recently finished a 25 page autobiography of my life and therefore, spent significant time reflecting on the solid foundation and legacy that my grandparents have established for our family. Its truly remarkable. At our wedding, we invited each person to give us some "words of wisdom" and I love that my grandpa's wisdom was to "Be Yourself." 

Marianne Williamson says, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

Who are we not be ourselves?

Who are we not to manifest the glory of God that is uniquely within each one of us?

Take off the masks today.

Be Yourself.