He Knew What He was Getting Into

Now I become myself.

It's taken time, many years, and places.

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people's faces.

I love the candor in this artfully woven poem by May Sarton. What a long time it can take to become the person one has always been. In the process, we mask ourselves in faces that are not our own. I don't know about you, but as I go through pictures from my life, I can discern in which pictures that I am indeed "wearing other people's faces" and I could tell you exactly whose faces they were. Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic selfhood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. 

How much dissolving and shaking of the ego must we endure before we discover our true self? As I've reflected on this past year, my journey towards discovering my true self has been a downward path of humility in which I was brought low, humiliated, rendered powerless, stripped of pretenses and defenses, and left at times feeling empty and useless.  

One of the many gifts of this journey, however, is that I realized its not about perfection or even being "good," its about being whole. I know myself to be a woman of weakness and strength, liability and giftedness, darkness and light. I have learned that to be whole means to reject none of it but to embrace all of it. To embrace weakness, liability, and darkness as part of who I am gives them less power over me. If I extend compassion towards those parts of myself, I know longer have to fear them. 

While Sarton's poem describes the familiar process of asking the question "Who Am I," I think it inevitably leads to a more important question: "WHOSE ARE YOU?" There is no selfhood outside of relationship.

The other day, James and I were at the gym working out. We both love listening to worship music and recently downloaded the new JOY album from IHOP...not pancakes....House of Prayer. I was really wrestling with self-doubt and fear and was struggling to extend compassion and love to myself. At my lowest point, James came over to my treadmill and said "Babe, you have to listen to this song. I believe that this is what God is singing over you." I love marriage and when God speaks to me through James. I put on this song and started crying while running on my treadmill. Misty Edward's lyrics speak to the truth that we are God's beloved children, whom He has chosen and called. He knew exactly what He was getting into. God knew my weaknesses, my sin, and my brokenness AND He STILL chose me, wants me, and likes me. The same is true for YOU. I believe that Misty captured the song that the Father is singing over all of His children.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_P7Ji93pVA

I knew what I was getting into when called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into.

I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into.

And I am not shocked by your weakness.
And I am not shocked even by your sin.
And I am not shocked by your brokenness.

I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.

Cuz only I can see the end from the beginning.
And only I can see where this is going.
And only I can see the end from the beginning.
And I see in you the seeds of love.
And I see in you strength when all you see is your failure and all you feel is ashamed.
I can see deeper than that.
I know you better than that.

I knew what I was getting into when called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name.
I said it just the same.
I knew what getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.

Your only at the beginning.
You've only just begun and I know where you are going
And all you can see in the moment is that your hurting.
And all you can see in the moment is that your aching.

I knew what I was getting into when I called you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.
I knew what I was getting into when I called you.

Just don't give up.
And don't give in.
If you don't quit. You win, you win.

Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be okay.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be Okay.
And you don't have to pretend to be something or someone your not.
Cuz I know you better than that, even better, even better than that.
Listen my Beloved.

I knew what I was getting into when I called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name.
I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.